Good question. I’m in a curious place religiously - I’d certainly say that I’m interested in spirituality, particularly those originating from Eastern areas… particularly Buddhism, but also Sikhism, Hinduism (can’t go wrong with a bit of Rastafarian either!) I was brought up as Christian, and I did go through a phase previous to my last admission where everything felt blissful; my euphoria with life (which I believe to have been delusional in part given my critical physical condition at that time… I genuinely felt as though I was getting closer to heaven every day and even my family were frightened by my increasingly ‘angelic’ nature) but since then I seem to have lost a lot of faith, as things have quite frankly been so entirely shit. I just can’t understand why so much suffering happens - and how any ‘higher power’ could justify it… the horrifying things I have seen and experienced just seem totally inexplicable. However I do believe that there is something up there. I just have a bit of a ‘love/hate’ relationship with God I suppose and I prefer not to tie myself down to one particular religion as I believe that open-mindedness is far more enriching… there are elements of many different faiths that I honestly commit to. In a sense I envy people who have a solid faith as from an observer’s perspective it can really help them through shit, but I have become quite disillusioned with many aspects of orthodox Christianity so don’t like to define myself as such. I don’t think that faith requires categorisation unless you want to play it that way.
“My mother used to say to me, ‘You can’t eat beauty, it doesn’t feed you.’ And these words played and bothered me, I didn’t really understand them until finally I realised that beauty was not a thing that I could acquire or consume. It was something that I just had to be. And what my mother meant by saying that you can’t eat beauty is that you can’t rely on beauty to sustain you.
“What actually sustains us, what is fundamentally beautiful is compassion for yourself and those around you. That kind of beauty enflames the heart and enchants the soul
BREAKFAST = MISSION COMPLETE.
So yesterday was excruciatingly close to being yet another disaster - anxiety and distress exceeding to a point of an emotional breakdown over afternoon snack’s chocolate bar once again, despite my greatest efforts to hold it together that day. Thank goodness for the wonderful art-is-recovery for quite literally saving me. Had I not had the relief of positive vibes, good company, healthy distraction, empathy and of course my half hour escorted break (*escape*) from the unit (including a decent black americano!) I can honestly say that I don’t know how I would have survived the rest of the day, given that I was, quite frankly, on the cusp of spinning into an unsalvageable state.
The hardest part is holding onto the moments of positivity in the absence of those who can offer me hope and light. My mood is all too susceptible to excruciating crashes, so any relief is almost disconcerting when I know that despair is only just around the corner…
BUT it’s just morning snack and lunch to go now before I can see my man at last.
I can do this
I can do this
I can’t do this
I can do this
This is horrible and suddenly so
I don’t know how to get through the rest of the day
I literally can’t do this
One of my friends has let me down for the second time meaning no visitors meaning no ‘normal’ company meaning no good vibes meaning no freedom from the unit as I’m only allowed half an hour’s leave if I have a visitor… otherwise the best it’ll get will be an awkward 15 minute walk escorted by a nurse (no chance of cheeky coffee either…)
It’s all so stupid it’s so stupid but I have nothing to save me from complete and utter despair today.
Oh Christ all fucking mighty. That ‘kill me now’ mood comes on all too quickly